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Dictator

I always see myself as a calm and collected in whatever situation I was thrown into. As in, I will always try to think first and analyse the situation first before jumping into conclusions, or, I will play the closest scenarios that could happen if I were to do that, or I were to do this. I basically will not just follow my heart, my brain and logical thinking will lead most of all. So that, it will bring less damage to other people around me, other people finances, other people feelings, and me myself, literally in that sequence.

So it really disturbs me that when it comes to you, I am completely in reverse stance. As like, my heart became a dictator in making decisions, even though the brain constantly giving warnings of what could possibly happen, which usually unfavourable, the heart still go and do the way it wants.

When it comes to you, it feels like everything I do has completely different purpose, different attachment, different expectation and even brings out different effect on me. As if you are special. I think my selfless love has its own form. It is like I want to do everything for you, and if you never appreciate it, or it’ll go unnoticed, I will be shaken. It was never my intention to get the same treatment, but I wish the effort will not go to waste.

So lately, I have been realizing, those dark period where I went berserk on social media about love and sadness, friendship and lies, all those emotion related posts, it was because of you. Those were my reaction towards the way you were dealing me. All of the songs in my playlist, somehow I saved, because of its connection to my feelings for you.

Then again, it disturbs me how my decision making and my collected self, easily swayed because of you. I want to say I love you, but it is more than that now. As like, it is an original feeling came from self dictionary that I probably think any other people will never understand, and that includes you. Though my thoughts and feelings were like roller coaster these past years, I think it is coming to an end. Every ride has an end road, mine was never any peculiar ending, but it does has different moral stories.


It was really an amazing journey this feeling, I have experience so many new things. Mostly sad ones. And every time, I see myself grow. I wish it was happier, but I guess a happy ending still finding it ways to me. For that I will be waiting.

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